Fun

Jokes, or anything else that could be fun reading!!!

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

Rude Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

The Clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. She met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and noticed there were clocks everywhere. She asked St. Peter what they were for. He replied, "Each clock is assigned to a person on earth. Every time a person tells a lie, one second clicks off." He went on to say, "This clock belongs to an honest woman in India, hardly anytime has clicked off her clock. This is your clock, pretty normal." Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied, "Oh, it's in Jesus' office upstairs. He is using it as a ceiling fan."

Tips for Managers and Bosses

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living > increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of goats, and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose,high cliffs over looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth" But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

THIS IS THE TRANSCRIPT OF AN ACTUAL RADIO CONVERSATION OF A US NAVAL SHIP WITH CANADIAN AUTHORITIES OFF THE COAST OF NEWFOUNDLAND IN OCTOBER, 1995. RADIO CONVERSATION RELEASED BY THE CHIEF OF NAVAL OPERATIONS 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURE WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Card Kings

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

Statue Making

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

IT vs Management

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must work in Management.
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

The Baby Stork

Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, and the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

Production Stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bar of soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

On a bag of Chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But its "just" a suggestion)

On packaging for a iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On some sleep aid medicine:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On an Airlines' packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

HUH??? What'd Ya Say??

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do, he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did get you that monster?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says,"I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is head.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

The affair

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours--wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite love.
Afterwards they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and , because it's the woman's house' she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

The Wishes

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Man vs Woman

A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of the items.

MATURITY

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Two blondes were walking down the street when one picked up a compact they had found. The blonde opens it and seeing that its dirty cannot make out who it is. "I wonder who this is?" asked the blonde. The other blonde snatches it from her and cleans it off, "Duh!" she says "Its me silly!"

A blonde, brunette and a red head were in a bar when all the sudden someone passes them by excitedly. They ask what is up and she explains that in the corner there is a mirror that if you lie to it it <SHRRP> it will suck you up, but if you tell the truth you will be left alone. The blonde, brunette and red head go into the corner of the bar and the brunette goes first. "I think I am the coolest girl in the room" and she is left alone. Cool she thinks. Next is the red head and she says "I think I am the prettiest girl in this room. " Nothing happens and she thinks cool. Finally the blonde goes up and says "I think..." <SHRRP>

A neighbor is outside gardening and the blonde next door comes out and checks her mail. A little while later, she comes out again and checks her mailbox. This continues every half hour until the neighbor goes over and asks her is she's expecting a package. The blonde replies "No, my computer just keeps telling me that I have mail!"

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says "Doctor, I hurt all over!" The doctor replies "That's impossible." "No really, just look, when I touch my arm, my arm, OUCH! My arm hurts. When I touch my leg, AHH!, that hurts too. And when I touch my chest, YAH, it really hurts." she says. The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You are a natural blonde, aren't you?" "Yes I am, how did you know?" asks the woman. The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken!"